I complain a lot about how hard parenting is. How I feel defeated, tired and worn out.
I jabber about the battle of it all. My wounds…and even the ‘wounds’ I inflict on my children with my yelling, short temper and shallowness.
I talk about my own selfishness. This is apparent in all of my ramblings actually. I am pretty damn selfish.
While I whine, complain and jabber, I think about the unwavering love I have for my children. That I would, without hesitation, give up my life for them.
This was what I was willing to do and prayed for a few days ago. To exchange me for my child. In my office, on my knees, I prayed with a fervor that I have not ever prayed with before. Tears literally choked me as I prayed.
In the last month my three-year old has had a couple of very random, very high fevers. No other symptoms, no ear, throat or nose infections. No strep or flu. Just high fevers…like 105 + high. No one else gets sick, not even the one year old. The fevers lasted for five to six days. Her appetite waned and she complained of her body aching.
So her doctor decided a blood test might be a good idea.
To rule out leukemia.
And so I prayed. And prayed. And cried. And did what a lot of us do….googled the symptoms and instantly thought, “oh noooooo…all the symptoms match!” And so I prayed harder. Cried harder.
And here it is folks; my baby does not have leukemia. And yet I still wake up with just a little bit of that horrible, body quaking fear that it could’ve been. And also with a new, albeit shaky, perspective on just how quickly life can change.
With this nifty new perspective…..I cannot promise that I won’t be selfish any longer.
Or that I won’t yell. Or lose my temper.
Or that I won’t want to (and possibly actually) hide in the closet with a
case bottle of wine and wish myself to be anywhere else.
But…as I fight my battle of parenthood…I will make more of an effort to pause and reflect…possibly in the midst of dragging my ten-year old up the stairs by her hair…and just breathe and love and be.
And be ever so thankful that I can lose my temper, or yell, or be desperately inadequate. Because that means I have children. That are here.
Thank you God.