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If you are a dog lover (or animal lover in general)…you may not want to proceed.  If you do…I don’t wanna hear it…and I warned you.


In our house chores are a given.  Not the kind one gets paid for- I don’t really believe in that, but the kind that are required if you want to continue to live under my roof.  They consist of things like the lawn, the trash, pool upkeep, dishes, cleaning ones room, misc tasks and the favorite- picking up dog poop.

Those that know me know I am not a real animal lover.  It is NOT because I don’t actually LOVE the animals, I just don’t LOVE them in MY house.  I LOVE your dog- because YOU take care of it.  I just don’t really LOVE my dog.  I can barely feed and care for my children, let alone another living thing.  Capiche?

So I am always up for a reason to NOT have a dog.  Even though we HAVE a dog. Let me explain.

My eleven year old is taking over some of the chores my now college-living son did.  She is currently training the three-year old to take over the dog poop duty (oh yes, chores start EARLY in my home) so she has time for the other chores she is gaining. I admit, the dog poop duty is one of the worst chores…to me.  So my answer?  Get rid of the dog.  Here is how the conversation the other night went;

jack“I think we should take the dog over to Jido’s house and let him live there” says me (Jido means grandfather by the way)

Eleven and three-year old stop what they are doing and stare at me. So does my mother in law who is sitting on the couch.  I am sure if her mind could talk out loud it would say something like “good grief, what in the hell is this woman hatching up now?”

“No mom…why are you saying that?” asks the eleven year old in that whiny voice that drives me nuts.

“Because, every time I ask you to pick up his crap, you complain and whine. I am tired of it” says the cranky mom

“No mommy!  Don’t get rid of him!” cries out the three-year old

Mother in law is trying so hard not to say anything as the two girls get sad forlorn looks and plead for the dog.

“Well…then here is the deal. If you complain ONE time about picking up the poop, I am loading him up in my car and dropping him off.  ONE time.  You got that?” says the really shitty mom

Deer in headlights look from eleven year old.  Three year old shakes her head vigorously feeling as if the victory is won.

Mother in law and eleven year old know better.

“Oh how about she get at least one freebie” pleads the mother in law who finally feels the need to defend the whiny saps from the crazy mother.  Truth is she KNOWS the eleven year old whines about EVERYTHING and is trying to save the poor kid.

Eleven year old slowly breathes out, “ok mom, I will try real hard…”

“No, trying isn’t good enough.  ONE time.  So that means, the dogs fate lies on your shoulders.  If the dog leaves, well, then it is on you”

Do you think this kid will need therapy when she is older?

It is all an upside for me.  Dog poop gets picked up with no complaints, or the dog leaves and there isn’t any more poop to worry about.  Or shedding.  Or dog food.  Or torn up pool fences.

Remember, it is all about me after all.

I am gonna start applying this theory to everything.  Hummm…diapers drive me crazy…

I am happy to report we have had six solid days of no complaining.  I wonder how long the dog has…..