Yesterday I came to a stark realization. It hit me in the midst of changing a crap diaper. As soon as it hit me, I almost doubled over in shame, sadness, guilt and then that uncontrollable when-you-don’t-know-what-else-to-do-hysterical-laughter. It was either that or sit down on the floor and cry while my one and three-year old’s climbed the walls.
I am a better part-time mother than full-time mother.
Feel free to judge. I judged myself.
I get the difficulty of juggling a job and raising kids. And the guilt associated with that.
I get the difficulty of working at home and raising kids. And the overwhelming stress associated with that.
I get the difficulty of doing the toughest job period-raising kids. And the overwhelming desire to drive your car off a bridge…oh wait…that is just me…the overwhelming sense of accomplishment? Err…the overwhelming desire to do a good job. There that works.
Yesterday, while juggling the kids, working (I am self-employed), cleaning the house and prepping/cooking meals, I realized that I suck at being a full-time mom (can I even classify it as a full-time mom when I am doing all the NON MOM STUFF TOO???). I yell. A lot. I give my kids pow pows (yes, I beat my kids), I lose my temper, I want to…several times throughout a day…climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend I am by myself, that I don’t hear the whining, crying, fighting or complaining.
I want to go somewhere..anywhere..other than right there with my kids. The office. The doctors. Hell I’d rather be at the dentist.
This is usually when the guilt kicks in. How many parents, that have lost their children, wish they could have the whining, crying, fighting and complaining back- even if just for a second? All, I would bet.
And yet, my selfish, crappy ass still wishes for silence. Peace. Love, harmony and all that jazz.
Then…I start to wonder…”Maybe it is because I do a terrible job- even part time- that my kids are like this?” Maybe if I did a better job, the kids wouldn’t be….well…KIDS…and I would WANT to be with them more. I see other families where children look to be so well-behaved. Why are mine not? Because of me…and my parenting, surely. I am positive it has nothing to do with the fact that kids are CRAZY demon filled spawns determined to wreak havoc upon us.
However, yesterday, with my crap diaper realization, I also realized that my parenting, my kids, my life are….mine. And it is…… HARD. And no one, NO ONE, knows what happens behind someone elses door, inside someone elses mind, heart and soul. And though I want to literally ram my head into a wall, almost EVERY DAY…. I also lay in bed each night and thank GOD for my kids. And pray for strength for tomorrows
Because my kids…each one of the brats (including the fourth that is-right at this moment- lying at my feet… crying for no damn reason…) has shaped ME into who I am. Each of my kids as left their mark…not just on what I am made of, but on my soul, on my heart…yes even on my body…(damn stretch marks). Some days my heart is so scratched, dented and even broken by my kids, and then….some days…even if it is just once in a while…my heart is so full.
It is for that feeling. That full feeling, that I still show up-even when I feel so inadequate….when it is so HARD. There is a saying in the fitness world, that showing up is more than half the battle. For me…parenting…is a battle. With myself. With my kids. With the world. So some days..showing up is enough.
So today, after I pick up this crying brat and put her to bed, I will thank myself for showing up.
You, should do the same. Even if you don’t have kids.
Thank yourself. For showing up.
The world is a better place because you are in it.
Because I am in it. If no other reason than because I will have produced four amazing people who will have some serious resilience and determination (they have to in order to survive my parenting).
Then let’s grab a glass of wine and pray the kids sleep for a looooooong time.