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It is early, but not early enough.  Every night I go to bed chanting (yes, chanting) that I WILL get up before the girls so I can have me time.  Quiet, get bills paid..or read…or sit and STARE at nothing, me time.  Never happens.  I read a mentor’s of mine’s biography and she said that is what kept her sane.  I think I figured out my problem…one of them anyhow.

So my 4th is bouncing in her jumper as my 2nd is running out the door.  My 1st and 3rd still sleep.  Ahhh sleep…oh how I miss thee.

And me?  I am attempting to blog as I chug down coffee (coffee should never be chugged) with my newly doubled blood pressure medication.  And my anti inflammatory for my back.  Really folks?  I am not ready for this.  In my mind I am still young.  Ok, in the world I am still young.  Maybe not 18-20ish young like all those gorgeous folks me and my sea sisters happened to notice at the beach last week (not that we were staring..or looking..or anything), but still young.

Yesterday I felt old. 

Sitting at the cardiologists office.  Listening to my beautiful, wonderful dr tell me that, well it could be genetics.  Could be.  Gonna run a few more tests to be sure.  It’s been 10 months of very high blood pressure that doesn’t even respond to these lovely pills I chug in the mornings.  Or my five days a week of yoga. Or the fact that I have completely changed my diet.  And what in the world does genetics mean anyhow?  I love my parents…to pieces…but I am gonna be honest here…no pictures of health with the many (MANY) years of smoking..lack of exercise and… healthy eating..? Uh not. Sorry ma & pop…not ragging…just frustrated. And that is ok right?  To be frustrated.  I AM allowed a pity party of one, once in a while.

For a while my dr and I were hopeful it was pregnancy related.  Now that we are 9 months postpartum…it is very unlikely (though not impossible….).

My favorite..sweet and well-meaning advice from most?  Rest and relax.  Take it easy.  Don’t stress.  Leave it in God’s hands.

Two things on this.  1- really?  Man if it were that easy then..well..it just isn’t.. and I would like someone to explain, step by step, how this works..please. 2- I am NOT stressed.  Not anymore than the average person.  I have a blessed life.  Truly.  I am not in denial; I do recognize the natural amount of stress with four kids and two owned businesses but I am blessed with an amazing supportive husband, family, friends-an incredible staff and studio manager– and Debbie…good Lord I love you Debbie.

My sea sisters

I just got back from the beach for goodness sake! Spending time with the most glorious women ever.

Anyhow, I already forgot what I was typing, or why.  Could be this medication.  Why not blame the meds?

I think…what my goal is for today..and perhaps each day…is to just let it go.  Or try.  I am not sure what that looks like.  Could be to let it go about the fact that I have high blood pressure (though my dr tells me it causes strokes and unseen damages so I better at least show up and take those silly pills), or let things go that bother me (though I may never go out of the house again), or …or what?

I am not sure.  But I DO know this.  I love my life.  I love my family.  We all have obstacles and mine is probably a small blip on many others radar of much bigger obstacles.  I will continue to direct my thoughts that way and thank God for my blessings.  And for you.  My friends.

Thank you.  Thank you so much for being you, and allowing me to be me.  And loving me just the same.

Love,